“I AM SORRY”, APOLOGY OR AN EXCUSE

“I am sorry, it wasn’t intentional” 

Sounds familiar, right?

People have told you that and you probably said the same in a bid to apologise, but I can’t help wondering, how much of it is genuine?

Is “I am sorry” an apology or an excuse to you?

You know how most of us instinctively say “please excuse me” when addressing others, just because it’s how we’ve been conditioned to get the attention of someone who’s in our way. I feel that’s what “I am sorry” is to a lot of us.

We say it as a matter of conditioning, not a genuine apology that recognises the wrong done and seeks to make things right. When you say words like “I am sorry… but you caused it”, you turn something that should be sincere to a blame game. The purpose of the phrase “I am sorry” is now defeated as it becomes an excuse to justify your actions.

To avoid this, here are some ways to go about apologising the right way:

ACCEPTING YOU ARE WRONG

There’s nothing worse than someone who is clearly wrong gaslighting the offended party and making it seem like the offence is nothing.

You may think that doesn’t describe you, but if you do not readily admit your fault when apologising, you just might be gaslighting the other person.

So, when apologising, don’t belittle the other person’s feelings. Take responsibility for your part in making them feel the way they do and be remorseful about it.

Let the offended party know that you recognize how your action (or inaction, as the case may be) hurt them. When you do that, you make it easier for them to forgive you.

MAKING AMENDS

Making amends for your mistakes looks like this; you hurt someone, you apologise, you take action, and avoid repeating what you did that hurt the other person.

I understand that we are not perfect as humans, and we make mistakes, but it’s not okay to keep hurting someone.

There is no need saying sorry if you are going to do the exact same thing the next day. It shows you really don’t care about the other persons feelings. Your apology is not true until you have backed it up by putting effort into not repeating your action.

FORGIVENESS NEEDS TIME

I am sorry is not a ticket to automatic forgiveness. Forgiveness takes time, and if you are wrong, you owe it to the other person to be patient with them. Let them deal with their hurt until they are ready to heal from it.

Some people move on faster than others, but like I have said, “I am sorry” does not instantly erase whatever you have done.

You see the apology you are giving, it’s not about you; it’s about the person you are giving it to, so respect the other person’s feelings and their right to be angry, be patient and let them determine the terms for reconciliation.

APOLOGISE WITHOUT EXCUSES

I like this self-explanatory quote from Benjamin Franklin that goes, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

While the “buts” and the “you could haves” might help you to “save face” as you give your apology, nobody will be fooled.

Don’t ruin your chance to save your relationship with excuses about how the person triggered the action you are apologising for.

Take ownership, make amends, and do better. I understand that we are all a work in progress but growth requires work.